Hello Taylor Parents,
My name is Kathy Chamberlain and I am the new Director of the Counseling Center at Taylor. As I settle into my new role, I am aware that we are all going through many changes and transitions this year. From fears and anxieties related to the pandemic, increased awareness of social injustices in our country, to political banter, our world is inundating us with 24-hour news coverage and increased stress. Many of you, like me, had to engage in critical conversations about sending your sons or daughters to college this fall. Should we move forward with sending them to a place they love and want to attend to further their social, spiritual and academic growth or do we have them stay home to avoid additional exposure to this virus? These have been hard decisions to make and you may still be wondering about your choices.
One thing I know from my years as a counselor, is what we think and feel can easily be projected on to others. When our individual and collective anxiety is heightened, we leak that on to our family members without realizing the impact on them. Now more than ever, it is imperative that we consider the healthy voices we use in the lives of our kids depending on the developmental phase they are in currently. Let me explain further.
When our kids are infants and toddlers, our primary role, aka voice, is to protect them. We feed and nurture them and protect them from unsafe situations so that they can grow up safely in their environment. We put covers on outlets, guide them where to play in the house and tell them not to touch the hot stove or pull the dog’s ears. We protect them from what is dangerous with our actions and our voices.
When our kids are elementary age, we shift to using a teaching voice. They are curious and want to learn about many things and we are often happy to teach them. We want them to learn how to ride a bike, how to read and write, how to stay away from strangers. We want to help them learn why the sky is blue and why they should eat their broccoli vs. feeding it to the dog under the table. At times the why question might be difficult as we try to make dinner, finish a deadline for work or try to relax, but in the end, we know this is our time to teach them.
Then they hit middle school and they no longer appreciate our teaching voice. Now they need us to shift to the modeling voice. You know this phase. This is when they find everything we say and do to be inconsistent and they feel compelled to correct us. Our voice now needs to come through the consistency of our words and actions. If I say not to gossip and they hear me gossiping to my friends, my modeling voice loses its power. If I say to limit their cell phone use and I do the same, they trust my modeling voice.
High school is when we now shift to the coaching voice. If you have ever had a coach or watched a good coach on the sidelines, you know they practice plays with their team to prepare for the game, but come game day, they release them to execute on those plays. This is when we encourage and empower our kids to go into their adolescent world and try to be the best version of themselves they can be each day. We review safe driving practice and maybe develop a contract with them, but in the end, we hand them the keys to our two-ton car and encourage them to drive it safely. We talk about making wise choices with their friends and then allow them to socialize with their peers. In the end, our job, our voice, is to give them room to go and explore, knowing full well they might make mistakes. Every coach knows players will make mistakes and they make the tough choices on when to keep letting them play and when to bench them temporarily. Yet time and time again, they still have them suit up for the game and they encourage them to execute those rehearsed plays. Hopefully, we did the same thing when our kids were in high school.
One of the hardest shifts in the parental voices is when our kids go to college and begin their transition into the adult world. Now, they are no longer with us each day and our voice is less needed, because there are now other voices in their life. This is when we move into the voice of mentorship. Mentors are people we choose to keep seeking wisdom and counsel from, but we may not do that daily. We might connect with them once a week over the phone or over a cup of coffee at Starbucks. Although we do not see or talk with them daily, when we do, it is so great to connect. We might call them in times of crisis to sort out a problem or vent a frustration, or we might call them to share a joy or victory in our life.
Mentoring becomes the primary voice we use when we send our kids to college. It’s not to say we will never protect, teach, model or coach our kids, but it is saying the primary voice we use is compatible with where they are developmentally. Of course, we are still their parents, but they no longer need us daily to help them sort things out or to share their funny stories with us. This is often a time of grief for parents as we shift into this new voice. It is important to honor our grief as we make this transition.
If it is your first time sending your kid to college, this new adventure might seem strange or sad. If this is your second or third time sending a kid to college, this might be old hat for you. And if this is your last, this is your adventure into empty nesting. No matter the order, we and our kids benefit when we shift our voice to mentoring when they head off to college.
This year is unique with all that is transpiring in our world and it can be filled with increased societal anxiety. It would be easy to pick up our former voices and use them with our kids. We may feel compelled to overly protect, teach, model or coach our kids based on our fears and anxieties, yet in doing so, it may not be the best way to honor them and their journey into adulthood.
Like you, I chose to send my kids to Taylor, because I believe the professors, staff and other students can foster academic, spiritual and relational growth in them. Maybe now more than ever, it is why using our mentor voice is so imperative. If we can be brave enough to shift to the mentor voice, regardless of what is happening in our ever-changing world, we can develop a healthy adult relationship with our kids. If we instead, use our protective and teaching voice, we might create tension in the relationship as they seek more independence to explore their ideas and beliefs, and find their own voice. We might also hinder their growth if our message to them is they need us to protect, teach and coach them, rather than allow them space to investigate their ideas and make their own choices. Yes, they might make mistakes along the way, but that is how we all grow regardless of our age. And thankfully, we love and serve a God who seeks to transform us and our kids.
I know these are scary times, but I want to encourage you to make that shift with your voice as you send your kids to Taylor this fall. We may not have all the answers to how this pandemic, election and racial unrest might impact our students and the campus, but we too are seeking to mentor them throughout this process. We are excited to join you in this mentoring voice! May God be our guiding light and our sure foundation as we seek to navigate your kids during these turbulent times.
“The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.”
Deuteronomy 31:8 NIV
Taylor Together,
Kathy Chamberlain, MSSA, L.I.S.W.
Director of the Counseling Center
